But I Don’t Wanna!

“Jesus shows us that there is one area where no compromise should be accepted: God’s will.  No matter what the cost, no matter what we may have to lose or give up, nothing should stand in the way of what the Father asks of us.”  –from ‘The Sacred Heart for Lent’

Since starting my spiritual journey, I’ve prayed for God’s will to be done in my life, for me to be open to whatever His will may be, and for me to follow that will wholeheartedly. But, I didn’t mean it.  Not really.  I’ve wanted to serve God, but I wanted to do it my way.  Because, after all, I know better.  Excuse me, miss…your arrogance is showing.  Yes, I know.  I’m afraid pride will be the downfall of me.

About a year ago, I started to have a strong feeling that God was indeed calling me.  I had an anxiousness that just would not go away.  I was restless.  I felt like He was calling me to write, although I didn’t yet know in what capacity.  I’m no scholar; I have nothing to teach.  Thinking it was just a small bout of temporary insanity, I turned to prayer.  Surely, I was misunderstanding His message.  But, the more I prayed on it, the more I felt like He was calling me to write.  The feeling became so strong that I was having a hard time ignoring it.

And, trust me, I tried to ignore it.  The truth was, I knew what He wanted from me.  I was being called to share my life with others, to be open and honest about my experiences in this spiritual journey.  Why?  I didn’t know then, and still I have no idea.  I’m just a girl, full of faults, trying to make it through this world.  I’m a wife and mother, sister and daughter.  I live a simple life, there is nothing unique or special in my daily routines.  Yet, I knew God was calling me.

I had 2 major issues with this:

  1. I’m completely unworthy.  I remember having conversations with The Husband, wondering if I could actually be of service to our Lord.  It seemed ridiculous.  It seemed pompous to even have such thoughts. Who was I to think I had some greater purpose?
  2. I was terrified.  I’m actually a very private person.  There are few people who I trust with my thoughts and feelings.  I was not going to share personal details of my life with strangers (or those that I know, for that matter).  Nope.  No way!

So, I ignored my calling.  Although I love the little prayer, “Jesus, I trust in You,” I wasn’t trusting in Him.  I didn’t have faith…yet again.  The restlessness was unbearable, so I filled my time with other things.  If I was busy enough, tired enough, I didn’t have time to think about what I should or should not be doing.  I began to volunteer for everything that came my way. I didn’t pray as much.  For a while, I forgot that we need faith (Romans 1:17) and works (James 2:26), and I focused on works alone.  I didn’t want to spend time in prayer.  It was in prayer that I would hear the quiet whispers of my soul, pleading with me to do what is right.  I stopped praying for God’s will to be evident to me.  Like a rebellious teen, I ignored what I knew was truth.

“What does it profit you to give God one thing if He asks of you another?  Consider what it is God wants, and then do it.”  –St. John of the Cross

For a few months, my plan would work; the restlessness would subside.  But, it would always come back with a vengeance.  And, every time this restlessness would return, I would become more and more confident in what I was called to do–I just didn’t want to do it.  Plain and simple.  It was uncomfortable to me.  My sheltered privacy would no longer exist.  People would know me for who I really am.  That’s terrifying.  I was afraid of being judged.  I was afraid of what others would think.  People may view me as crazy or, even worse, stupid.  Plus, I don’t like attention; I’d much rather be in the background.  (Does a private blogger seem like an oxymoron to anyone else out there?)

Then it hit me.  I was being selfish.  I was putting my own wants before God’s.  I was letting my own fears and insecurities get in the way.  So, I just made the decision to “jump in with both feet.”  I gave up the good fight.  I was still afraid; I still felt extremely uncomfortable, but I knew what I had to do.  Within 2 days of making that decision, I had this little blog up.  I have no idea what its purpose is, I have no idea how long it will last, but I am confident that this is what I’m called to do right now.  And, what really amazes me, is how my feelings have changed since starting this little endeavor.  My fears have subsided.  The more I write, the less they rear their ugly heads.  The more I write, the closer I feel to God.  (Hmmm…maybe that’s the purpose?)

Everything is happening so easily.  Sometimes the words don’t feel like my own, the topics just seem to come to me (I actually had to start a list), and I feel 100% comfortable.

Of course I feel comfortable; of course it’s easy.  I’m doing what I’m being called to. I should have done this a year ago, but I am stubborn.

When will I learn to trust?  When will I learn to have faith?

“And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.  We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”  (Romans 8:27-28)

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9 thoughts on “But I Don’t Wanna!

  1. I am a ‘private eye blogger’ too!

    This is the quote that got me thinking/writing out loud: Stories are healing. The reason we all fall in love with art, the reason it exists, is because everyone has a story and a purpose and something to share. Everyone should share their stories in some way- write a story, paint a picture, sing a song. Whatever’s closest to your heart, do that. ~Emma Stone

  2. Well I can tell you three purposes for you blog. You bless me every time I read it. Your blog always makes me smile. I walk away with something I can always implement in my life. So I say, “You are doing great, doing God’s will in your life.” God Bless, SR

  3. I think if it was God’s will for you to blog, you will definitely be serving a purpose in His overall plan. And clearly you are already touching people and encouraging us all to follow His will for us! I also enjoy reading your posts and it is clear that He is making Himself known to all of us through your testimonies and daily experiences. It is in the small things that we can see Him the most, we need only to look and reflect.
    I keep trying to discern God’s will for me and you are hitting on such an important point here — it is one thing to discern His will, but quite another to follow it. Resisting is pretty much our human nature!
    Keep doing what you’re doing!
    God Bless,
    *z*

    • “It is in the small things that we can see Him the most, we need only to look and reflect.”
      I agree 100%!!! I hope you are able to get some answers on your purpose. I’ll add you to my prayers. Thanks so much for your kind words; they are truly appreciated.

  4. Pingback: #23 The Truth About Me « Confidently Catholic

  5. Pingback: NyQuil, Insanity, and American Idol | Faithfully Flawed

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