Farewell, Eddie Boy

We buried my grandfather this weekend.

Yeah, Happy New Year, right?  I’m trying not to be cynical.  I’m trying not to be selfish in my sadness.  I’m trying to be strong. But I’m so sad that I can hardly breathe.  I’m having a hard time finding a smile in anything…not in my husband (although he is trying), not in my children (for they are mourning too, which breaks my heart even more), not even in the Church–or a collar, for that matter.  The truth is I miss him already.  Terribly.

I’m not going to tell you he was a perfect man.  He was not.  He was simply a man.  Like all of us, he was flawed in some ways, wonderful in others.  His sense of humor was amazing, and he loved us grandkids (and his great-grandchildren) with a pure heart.  It saddens me to know I’ll never again hear, “What’s on your tender mind, little girl?”  (Of course, who wouldn’t love being called ‘little girl’ at age 32, right?)

My grandfather, grandmother, and The Younger Boy at a Veteran's Day Ceremony

My grandfather, grandmother, and The Younger Boy at a Veteran’s Day Ceremony

His funeral service was beautiful, and surprisingly, I actually learned things about my grandfather that I had never known before. Continue reading


White Collar Jobs

While others are ringing in the new year with friends and fun, I sit with a heavy heart.

My grandfather is dying.

The days have run into each other–my memories blurred by images of doctors and conversations of pneumonia, infection, then cancer.  I’ve gone through each day in a daze, not knowing the date or time, just knowing that the loved ones around me are hurting.  My emotions have spanned from numbness to anger to sorrow…and back again.  I am lost.  For once, I have nothing to say, no comfort to give, except open arms, which I freely offer.

Then today, it came.  Not a change in prognosis.  Not some medical breakthrough.  A moment of peace.  A moment of calm, breaking through the internal chaos that had invaded my mind.

Where did this peace come from?  What did I see to invoke such a feeling of comfort?  Continue reading