Life is great. Really.
I haven’t been able to write in about 10 days because my current multiple sclerosis relapse took a serious turn for the worse. I woke up one morning a few weeks ago, with a loss of vision in one eye, blurred and double vision in both eyes, and I was having serious balance problems–that’s code for “falling on my butt with every other step.”
After waiting it out for a few days (I was told I had to just be patient through this relapse, which actually started on January 13), we called my neurologist. He is sending me to a specialist, which we have anxiously been awaiting–just 2 more weeks now!–and has been hesitant to treat me until I’m seen by said specialist.
Well, because my symptoms escalated so quickly, the neurologist decided to treat the relapse. Unbeknownst to me, treatment included 5 days of high-powered IV corticosteroid infusions. Whatever. I need to see. This disease can affect so many different parts of the body, all at once, that it is hard to diagnose. For me personally, I can handle pain much better than what I call “head stuff.” I can ignore physical pain. I can’t ignore mental confusion, loss of vision, light sensitivity. Those things impair my quality of life. The things I love need some sort of mental capability (however little I may have), such as reading, writing, movies, theatre, etc. So, even though I wasn’t sure what IV treatment would be like, I was up for it.
The next day (last Thursday to be exact), I began IV treatment. (I’ll share more on this experience later, when I was blessed with the gift of perspective.) Almost immediately, I saw results. Friday morning, just after one treatment, my vision cleared up. I still could not read well, but I no longer had blurry or double vision. And the blind spot was gone! Saturday morning, vision was completely clear, I no longer had balance problems, physical pain, and no fatigue or fever. This morning, just after 3 treatments, I felt no sting of the MS symptoms that have plagued me for 2 months.
No pain. No vision problems. No fatigue. No balance issues. No numbness. No confusion. Absolutely nothing. All MS symptoms are gone.
I don’t know if I’ve ever woken up so happy before in my entire life. How could I not be elated? I could actually walk to the bathroom without holding on to the wall. I wasn’t exhausted after getting dressed. Even better, I could get dressed by myself!
Like I said, Life is great!
Even though I went to Mass yesterday afternoon with my mom, I decided to join The Husband and my boys again this morning. I felt such an immense amount of peace and calm, that I just knew I had to give credit where it is due. What better way is there to pay homage to our Lord than adoring Him in the most Holy Mass?
We usually arrive at church pretty early to have personal prayer time in the quiet. Today was no different. Now, I’m usually extremely private when it comes to my personal prayer, but I feel called to share this with you. So, rather than paraphrasing how I’m feeling today, I’ll just share my personal conversation with God. Here goes:
Good Morning Lord! First of all, thank You so much for this beautiful day! I know that You know my heart, but I want to take a moment to tell You how extremely grateful I am for the healing You have bestowed on me today! Thank You so much for the guidance that You gave the doctors to treat me, for the technology that was given to professionals to treat this disease, for the wonderful people who have helped me, and for those who have been so very detrimental to this healing by showing great love and support to me. I know all of these things are gifts from You.
I also want to thank You for the MS. <I know this may sound crazy to my readers. Just bear with me for a moment and hear me out.> I have never appreciated my health before. I have never made time for myself, always putting the boys or Jeremy ahead of my own needs. This health issue has truly opened my eyes. Thank You for that. Thank You for that insight. I now know what it feels like to be ill. I want to be well. I want to be well for myself. I want to be well for others. I want to be well for You. I know that this is all part of Your Will, whatever that may be. And, although I’m still not sure what good my illness will or can do, I know that if I allow You to work through me, You will use me, and this disease, for some greater good.
So, use me Lord. Use me in whatever way You need. I trust in You, Jesus.
And, Mother Mary, thank you also. Every time I called to you, you were there, giving quiet comfort, each time pointing me to your Son. All of the times that I was so incredibly sorrowful, defeated, and alone, you were there. From one mother to another, thank you.
Lord, work through me. Give me continual healing so I can do Your work. Point me in the direction that You want for me, and I will follow. If I’m slow, keep pointing. I’ll catch on eventually. And, if healing is not Your Will for me, then show me how to do Your work anyway. I know You have a purpose for me. I want to fulfill that purpose.
Thanks again so much for everything You have blessed me with. I truly do love You. Not because of what You’ve done for me, but because of who You are. You are amazing.
There goes. Nothing awesome. Just a simple prayer from a simple girl.
I have said it before, and I’ll say it again: I am so incredibly thankful that I have my faith while going through this trial. I can not imagine my current life without my spirituality. I think I’d be a mess. Well, more of one than I am currently.
I have no illusions about multiple sclerosis. I know I am not cured of the disease. I know I’ll have a hard time ahead. But, I know I’ll be okay. My trust is in the right place. As long as I keep that trust, that faith, I know I’ll be okay.
I still have 2 more treatments, and I am excited to see how good I’ll feel when this is over. It’s been a little rough, but it’s been worth it. The IV is intrusive and sometimes painful. I’ve had a horrible headache the first two days. The medicine leaves a horrible taste in my mouth, even though nothing is being ingested. I’ve developed a stomach ulcer, when I never have stomach issues. And the insomnia has been pretty righteous. I actually didn’t sleep at all Friday night; I went 36 hours without sleep. But it’s all worth it.
I can finally fight this thing.
Maybe I can finally enjoy 2013.
I know I’m not alone. I cannot do this. But WE can. He will lead, and I will follow.
Let’s do this. I’m ready.
“No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial He will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.”
–1 Corinthians 10:13
(my personal favorite)