I’ve been staring at an empty screen for about 30 minutes, not really knowing where or how to start. I recently received a message from a reader, which says:
“Hello my sister,
How are you? Almost 2 months and no new item on your blog. Are you alright? You used to share your wonderful emotions and God experiences. Keep moving with your difficulties. You are not alone.
May God bless you with good health!”
The problem is, I haven’t really had anything to share. Nothing good, at least. I try to be a positive person, not focusing on the negative, but life has been pretty hard lately. So, I’ve kept the negativity to myself…no need to share that, right?
The short version is this: our long-awaited visit to the MS specialist ended up being a total letdown. The doctor basically told me that it’s possible that I have Multiple Sclerosis, but he does not want to diagnose me unless I get much sicker. We were expecting to start treatment, but instead, we took about 10 steps backward.
So, the next few weeks were filled with even more testing, some of it intrusive, some of it painful, all of it uncomfortable.
Still no definite answer.
Three specialists say it’s MS, but no one will formally diagnose me, so no treatment. Don’t get me wrong, not having MS would be wonderful news!!! But, then what is wrong with me? (Besides the obvious sanity issues, of course.) Medically, at this point, I’m just in limbo…a medical purgatory, shall we say? (Oh Lord, help me. I just laughed at my own corny joke. I really need to get out more.)
Besides being utterly disappointed by my lack of progression towards health, I was still very ill. Though I no longer had vision problems, I still suffered with quite a bit of pain, as well as fatigue and cognitive issues.
I was pushed to the brink emotionally, and my faith was wavering. I flip-flopped between knowing that God was with me to feeling extremely alone. One minute I had faith that my trials were to serve some greater good, then the next minute I was angry. Not only was I suffering, but my husband was missing his wife, and my children were missing their mother. I physically could not be as available to them as I normally am.
I felt like such a failure to my family, and the guilt was almost too much to bear. I just could not find the purpose for this…I was not living but merely existing. I was in an emotional and spiritual funk that I just could not shake. Even the earnest attempts of the Ninja-Priest-Friend could not help my spiritual desolation.
Then, one day I woke up and felt a little better–emotionally and physically. And the next day, I felt better still. And each day progressed with a little more happiness and a little less pain. For three weeks, I’ve felt decent. I’m still not at my best and haven’t been since January, but each day is an improvement upon the previous.
So, I’m taking each day slowly, thankful for whatever progression emerges in that particular day. It’s amazing what you can relish when you feel like you’ve been down to nothing. Getting out of bed without pain in the morning makes me giddy, and being able to chase the kids around the house gives me the greatest feeling of contentment.
I’ve always been one to enjoy the simple things, but now I appreciate them with a fervor never felt before. I hope to continue to improve, even if we don’t know why, even if I never know what was wrong with me for the past 5 months. And, even if I never reach optimal health, I know this: I will be thankful for whatever is given to me. Because I know what it feels like to be down to nothing.
Life is such a treasure. I forgot that for a while. I lost my treasure and couldn’t find a map. But life is a treasure that cannot be found in any location; it is found in time, in experiences, in days, in moments.
So, day by day.
Moment by moment.
I’ll cherish it all.