The Misadventures of Puck

We have joined the legions of other parents in doing the whole “Elf on the Shelf” thing, but as I stated in this previous post, we are doing things a little differently than normal.

Just to recap, our elf was kicked out of the North Pole.  Apparently, he had an unfortunate fruitcake accident and has been acting like a little jerk ever since.  Seeing that he needed some discipline, Santa left him here so the boys can teach him to be good again.

There will actually be a lesson for the kids in the end of all this.  But, for now, I’m just using this elf for my own selfish entertainment purposes.

Here are his adventures since last week:

 

Day 9…Puck “steals” the canned goods from The Younger Boy’s food drive to make a throne for himself.  He then proceeds to eat a cookie.  Because he is a selfish jerk.

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Day 10…Puck finds a way to deal, while living with our family.  Not the best way to handle your problems, pal.

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I can’t believe we found alcohol in our house!  The Husband and I aren’t drinkers (not that we are against alcohol, we just don’t drink it), the wine was left over from a recent party and I think the Crown Royal was a gift years ago.  If Crown ages, it should be pretty good by now!

After the night of drunkenness, Philip felt like Puck needed an intervention.  So, when he got home from school, he made this:

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According to Philip, Puck would be nicer if he had a warm bed.  Seeing a need to be filled, he made Puck a room, complete with a bed, blanket, pillow, and even a book!  I’m so glad he’s promoting literacy!

On another note, I know this is all fun and games, but I am glad that Philip is showing compassion.  He said that sometimes people are mean because they have a sad life (like not having a home), and that we should help people, rather than judge them.  There’s a lesson that we can all learn…such a smart boy!

 

Day 11…Puck makes it personal when he messes with my yarn.

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Not really.  I wasn’t going to use this yarn anyway.  I’m not one to make an unnecessary mess…”ain’t nobody got time for that!”

 

Day 12…Tired of us, Puck attempts to escape.

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Day 13…Puck shows how much of a sicko he is when he takes apart the Lego people.

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The next morning, The Husband says, “Philip!  I can’t believe that Puck decapitated your Lego people!”

To which Philip responded, “That’s ok Dad.  I already re-capitated some of them.”

 

Day 14…Puck acts like a teenager and takes a selfie.

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This one really impressed The Younger Boy because later that day, we “found” Puck’s selfie on my phone.

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You can actually see The Husband’s arm in it, but Philip never noticed.  He was in awe of this one, because “There’s no way you did it, Mom!  You’d be in the picture!!!”

I feel like such a liar…

 

Those are the misadventures of Puck so far.  If you’re actually reading this whimsical nonsense, congratulations!!!  You win a prize…or something.

What will happen next?  Will Puck learn to behave himself?  Will he ever stop tormenting our toys?  Can someone so bad ever be good?  (Cue suspenseful music.)

Stay tuned to find out…

 

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Phil-ism Friday…Dear Santa

I know all kids are special in their own ways, but Philip truly amazes me.  Check out his letter to Santa:

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In case you can’t see his words or understand his handwriting/spelling, here’s what his letter says:

Dear Santa,

Merry early Christmas.  Do you ever sleep?  Do you ever vacation?  Puck’s horrible Santa!  I’m a big fan of your work.  How can you get around the world?  How many presents can your gang <make?> in one day?  For Christmas, can I please have=

A Kindle

Legos

Books

Crayons

Coloring Book

Mom to feel good

No weapons in 1 week

Ninjas

Ninja Turtle toys

Movies

***Puck is our horrible Elf on a Shelf.***

I’m on his Christmas list, along with a version of world peace.  How sweet is that?!?  My boys are so exceptional!

On another note, I find it hilarious that he wants there to be no more weapons but then asks for a ninja.  I guess ninjas are so dangerous, they don’t need weapons.

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I also find it disturbing that he is asking for ninjas, rather than ninja toys (as specified for other things).  Is he wanting a real life ninja?  I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case.  Does Santa deliver other humans as gifts?

If so, I want a maid.

Apple Butter, My Grandmother, and The Cops…Nothing to See Here

It was two days before Thanksgiving, and my family was all a flutter.  We love Thanksgiving; it’s always been my favorite holiday of the year.  It’s such a simple holiday, just a meal with the ones you love.

For the past few years, the boys and I have made goodies for our friends and family as little “Thank You” gifts, and although I wasn’t feeling well, this year was no different.  The day before, we were busy making apple butter and pecan pie muffins, and now it was the fun part–delivering the goodies!

Just a few of our goodies, packaged and ready to go!

Just a few of our goodies, packaged and ready to go!

We also had plans to drive 45 miles to a nearby town to visit my grandmother.  I wasn’t going to be seeing her for Thanksgiving, and the boys and I were going to meet her for lunch to get some quality time in.

The day went on as planned.  We started off with Mass in the morning, delivered apple butter and muffins to our loved ones nearby, then headed off to meet my grandmother for lunch.  We visited with her for a few hours; the day was going so well!  The weather was very cold and wet, but our hearts were warm and happy.

But then…disaster.  (Not really, but wasn’t that dramatic?  Cue the music…)

We had to go to the church to meet a friend who was donating canned goods for The Younger Boy’s food drive (more on that later), and I was running late.  She was going into Adoration, and I wanted to meet her before she entered the chapel, so as to not disturb those praying.

Now, there is a road in our town that is a well-known speed trap.  The speed limit is ridiculously low, and there are usually cops hiding on the side of the road.  I know this and am usually really good about watching my speed, but I failed terribly on this day.

As I’m racing down the road (really not meaning to), I see the familiar white hood of a police car.  I uttered a “Crap!” under my breath and hit the brakes.  And, at first, I thought I had slowed down in time.  I passed the cop, holding my breath, and he didn’t turn around.

He didn’t turn around at first.

Soon after I passed him, I looked in the rearview to see him quickly coming up behind me. I’m watching to see if he’s going to put on the lights or siren, but so far, nothing.

Nothing except my kids acting like nuts.  They’re both on their knees, turned around, waving like maniacs at the cop.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, something like that.

“What are y’all doing?!?  Turn around and sit down!  He’s going to think you’re not wearing your seat belts.  You are wearing your seat belts, aren’t you?  And quit waving at him, we look guilty!”

We kept on for quite a little while, and I really thought he was going to let me go.  So, I pull into the church parking lot (which is where I was going anyway), put the car in park, then notice he has followed me.

And now he decides to put on his lights.

You’ve got to be kidding me.  Really???

The ringing church bells signaled 4pm, which is what time the rectory closes.  I quickly look in the direction of the office, which has a full view of the parking lot, and I see that the lights are still on.  Any other day, they would’ve been gone already.

Great!  Now, I’ll get a ticket in front of my friends.  This just keeps getting better.

The cop signals for me to meet him between the cars, and he asks the usual questions:

Hi Ma’am, you want to tell me what your hurry is?

I’m sorry.  I was trying to meet a friend here for 4, but as you can hear by the bells, I’m late.  (Shut up Amie!!!  He does not care that you are late!  He’s about to give you a ticket, you dummy!)  At this point, I actually considered telling him that I was picking up food for my 8 year old’s food drive, but I figured he would never believe me.  Plus, I was speeding, so I guessed I would take my ticket like a big girl.

I know the speed limit is low on that road, and I’m usually really good about not speeding on that road, I just wasn’t paying attention.  Oh, dear Lord, shut my mouth!  I am now admitting to the cop that I usually speed, just not on this particular road.  I swear, it was like I just couldn’t stop my mouth.  I guess my filter was broken.

Hmmm.  Well, you were going 40 in a 30.  I need your license and proof of insurance.

I turn to go back to the car to get the requested paperwork, and I can see my two kids waving at the cop like he was some long-lost family member.  Didn’t they know he was the enemy?

Plus, I see the rectory lights are still on, as well as the Ninja-Priest-Friend’s office.  Oh Geez…  I will never live this down–isn’t he supposed to be on vacation this week?

I get into the car, and now I have to deal with the kids’ questions:

  • Mommy, are you getting a ticket?
  • He’s not going to take you to jail, is he?
  • What did you do?  Did you run over someone?  (What?!?  Why would this even be a question???)

Guys, please be quiet.  Mommy is a little busy right now.  I’m getting a ticket because I was speeding.  It was my fault, I should’ve been paying more attention.

After I say this, I noticed the cop had appeared at my window, which was down and heard what I said.  He smiled.  Hmmm…maybe an admission of guilt will win me some brownie points…

So, the cop is at my window, I’m frantically looking for my proof of insurance, and the kids are still waving at said cop, even though they thought he was going to haul my butt off to jail just seconds earlier.

And, of course, in true Amie fashion, I cannot find my proof of insurance.  I had just paid the bill online, so I knew it was in good standing, but apparently we never printed the proof last time we renewed it.  The cop tells me he’s going to run my plates, and I tell him that I am calling The Husband to see if he knows where the proof of insurance is.  Of course he doesn’t–I love him, but he never knows where anything is.  He did, however, take the time to point out that I always criticize him for speeding down that same road.  Oh hypocrisy, you are an ugly one!

While the cop is running my plates, I tell the kids that they can go inside the chapel to get the food donation–the whole reason we’re here in the first place.

Then the phone rings.  It’s the Ninja-Priest-Friend.

Amie?

Yep.

Are you ok?

Oh, yeah.  I’m great.  I just decided to get humiliated today, and I felt the best way to do that was to get a ticket, and to get that ticket in front of my friends.

He laughs.  Ok, well do you need any help?

Nope.  I can handle this one all on my own, thanks.  Cop’s back, I gotta go.

Cop: Is that your husband?

No.  That’s actually my priest calling to see why I was getting pulled over in his parking lot.

Kids come running out of church, laughing and giggling, carrying bags of food donations.  The Older Boy yells “Hi Mr. Policeman!” as he hops in the car.

Cop looks at me a little crazy.  I’m thinking there is no way he is believing any of this…he pulls me over at the church, a priest is calling to check on us, and my boys are acting as if they are trying to win some “friendliest kid” award.

Well, I ran your plates, and your car is actually flagged as not having insurance, which is illegal in this state.

Are you serious?  It has to be a glitch!  I really do have insurance, and it is currently paid in full!  Can I–

So, what I could do is to give you a ticket for speeding, give you a ticket for no insurance, put a neon sticker on your car marking it illegal, and you’d have to go to the DMV to get it fixed.

I am fighting tears at this point.  All I could think of was “how much is this going to cost?”  I cry easily, but there was no way I was going to cry in front of this guy.  I was just so angry at myself for being so careless.

He continues:  That’s what I could do.  But I’m not.  Your record is clean, I’m off for Thanksgiving, and I’m in a good mood.  Here’s your license.

Wait, what?  Is he really letting me off???  This kind of stuff never happens to me!

Thank you so much!  I’m really not lying, we really were coming to the church.

I know.  I figured that when I saw you actually park in a spot.  Drive carefully.

Whew!  That was a close one!  He was a little arrogant, but I didn’t care.  I truly was thankful that he let me go.

He drove off, with the kids still waving to him.  Except this time, I was waving as well.  If I’m going to be viewed as crazy, I might as well live it up, right?

As we drove off, and I was starting to regain a little bit of pride, The Younger Boy tells me, “You know why you probably got off?  Probably because the people in the chapel prayed for you.  John went in there and told everyone you were getting a ticket.”

And, pride was gone again.

Thanks God, for the lesson in humility.  You always keep me grounded.

Puck…Friend or Foe?

While unpacking Christmas decorations this year, The Husband came across something we had both forgotten about…an Elf on the Shelf.  I had forgotten that my parents had bought him for us last year after Christmas, and although my boys are a little old for him, I knew we could have some family fun with this little guy.

But what?

See, my boys are 8 and 11, and The Younger Boy is so smart that we think he figured out Santa’s secret in kindergarten.  He was asking many philosophical questions about The Big Guy at the age of 5–it was both impressive and exhausting.  So, I figured he wouldn’t believe that some toy we found in a box of decorations suddenly came alive each night.

Plus, I kind of have a problem with the whole “Elf is watching you” concept.  Isn’t that what Santa is supposed to do?  And, my kids don’t need to worry about elves and Santa watching anyway–Mom and Dad are much scarier.  My boys are supposed to behave simply because they are called to by following God’s Commandments; not because it reaps new toys on Christmas morning.

So, after giving it some thought, I decided to be selfish and have some fun with the Elf that would be entertaining to me.  I know, it’s supposed to be for kids.  They’re enjoying this too, trust me.

Without further adieu, here’s our spin on the Elf on the Shelf:

In usual Elf on the Shelf fashion, he was dropped off by Santa.

Actually, he was thrown out of the North Pole.

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Kicking and screaming, Puck (notice his name is Puck?  We don’t even have cutesy elf names in this house, we go the literary route.  We’re weird, I know…)  was brought here against his will.  Apparently, he had an unfortunate fruitcake accident, and for unknown reasons, has been acting like a little jerk ever since.  So, the boys have to teach the Elf to be good so he can return to the North Pole.

That should be a challenge…

Day 2…Puck shows the other toys that there’s a new sheriff in town.

Showing the toys who's boss!

Showing the toys who’s boss!

The Younger Boy got a huge kick out of this.  He woke up in the morning, running in our room and giggling, saying “I knew Puck was bad, but I didn’t know he was that bad!”

Day 3…Puck sets up in the shower curtain to peep on bathroom goers.

Little pervert...

Little pervert…

The kids couldn’t even find him this morning.  I had to give hints–“I think he’s violating your privacy today…don’t go to the bathroom without making sure you’re alone…we need to find him, I think he needs psychiatric help.”

I know this one is a bit inappropriate, but I feel it’s only fitting for such a creepy looking toy!    Look at that face!

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Just LOOK at it, y’all!  Who made this thing?  Can you imagine that conversation?

Let’s make an Elf that watches the kids!  

That’s a great idea!  But, what should said elf look like?

Magical?  Nah.

Cute?  Nah.

Creepy?  Yes!  Yes, that’s it!  Let’s give him eyes that follow you around the room and a smile that you only see on pedophiles!  That’s more than appropriate for kids!  I mean, he IS watching them, right?

When The Husband first took him out of the box, he put him on the couch, close to me.  This is what I saw every time I looked over my shoulder:

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At first I laughed, but over time, I got thoroughly weirded out.  Even The Younger Boy said he looked like a stalker.  Actually, he referred to it as a “Christmas-time Chucky.”  (Have I mentioned lately that I love that kid?)

Day 4…Puck calls out for help.

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Day 5…Puck continues to torment the toys.

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Day 6 & 7…Puck flirts with our angel.

Hey Baby, what's your sign?

Hey Baby, what’s your sign?

And it looks like she’s not having any of it!  Stay strong, sister, stay strong!

The boys slept away, so the angel was stuck with Puck for 2 days.

Day 8…Let them eat cake!

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We had a birthday party for The Older Boy yesterday, so Puck ate some cake in the middle of the night.

 

There you have it.  The adventures of Puck thus far.

What will become of our new friend/nemesis?  Will he learn to be good?  Is there any hope for him?

I never miss an opportunity to teach the boys something worthy.  So, there will be a lesson in the end of all of this, and it will tie into our faith.

Stay tuned…  :)