As a child, I thought that only kids daydreamed. I assumed that once I was an adult, I would no longer get lost in imaginary worlds. What a crock! I still get lost in my imagination. I still daydream. Sometimes reality is so intense that I need to escape to a place more heavenly, where there is no loss, no pain, no disease, no hurting children.
I tend to get lost in my own little world. Often.
My mind also races from one subject to another. I can start off thinking about what I need to get from the grocery store and end up thinking about muppets. My husband finds this sometimes fascinating, sometimes frustrating. I find it exhausting.
Apparently, I have a very distinct look when I’m in La-La Land, because The Husband will ask, “Whatcha thinking about?” with the curiosity of a child who finds a new toy. And, although I know his question is genuine, I never know how to answer that. Does he really want to know that I’m wondering why did we have to take trigonometry in high school? Who uses that? Or what is the big deal about bacon anyway? Do I need to water the flowers at the church today? I wonder if John Edward will be able to live independently when he grows up? Who will take care of him when I can’t? I love “The Labyrinth”…I really want to watch that movie when I get home.
So, while driving yesterday, he asks me his usual, “What’s on your mind?”
My response? “Pumpkin pie.”
Since my thoughts are always all over the place, he was content with this answer, but it wasn’t really an accurate truth. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t a full truth. The truth was that I was thinking about a meltdown that I had just a few days earlier. I was making a list of the things that I needed to get together for Thanksgiving. (Oh, Thanksgiving! My favorite holiday of the year! Such a day of simplicity, just a day with loved ones, celebrating the things that we are thankful for.) I was making a list of the ingredients needed to prepare the dishes that I always bring for Thanksgiving when I got to the pumpkin pie: 2 pumpkin pies. One for the family. One for my grandfather to bring home. Then the realization sunk in. No, just one pumpkin pie this year. This is the first Thanksgiving without my grandfather.
I lost it. Thank God I was at home. I know that we should be prepared to lose older family members; I know it’s all a part of the circle of life, but it amazes me how it’s the smallest things that make me miss my loved ones. Like stupid pumpkin pie.
Overall, it’s just been a crappy year. This will be a Thanksgiving of many firsts. Not only did I lose my paternal grandfather, but I lost both maternal grandparents. So, I only have one living grandparent left. I love her dearly, and I am petrified of the day that will inevitably come when she too will be called Home.
Also, my parents got divorced. Old friends will be surprised to hear this. My parents will probably not be happy to read this. (Sorry Mom and Dad. I respect your privacy, but this is my story too; I have a right to tell it.) So, things are different. I’m getting to know my parents as individuals and not as a couple. Sometimes it’s great; sometimes it’s saddening.
Health wise, it’s been a really hard year. My doctors (of whom there are many) pretty much all agree that I have Multiple Sclerosis, but there is not enough clinical evidence of it yet, so no one has given the definitive diagnosis, which means I am on no treatment as of this writing. (For any medical buffs out there, I don’t have enough lesions on my brain/spinal cord–I only have 2 lesions on the brain. I’ve had signs of MS show up in my spinal fluid and had an abnormal VEP. Apparently, this isn’t enough for them.) Of 2013, I have only enjoyed a few weeks of the spring, August and September, and I have been feeling very well the past 2 weeks. That’s it. I’ve spent weeks in bed at a time and have had moments of honest hopelessness.
With that being said, this is not a “woe is me” post. Things are hard; I’m not denying that. There are definitely days where I have a hard time making it through without locking myself in the bathroom and crying like a baby. My faith has wavered this year, especially through this last relapse–I’m working on that with the Ninja-Priest-Friend. I’m angry that my children are suffering. I’m angry that their childhood is rifled with such seriousness. I’m saddened at my perceived abandonment of God. (Note the word perceived…I know that He is with me. It’s something I’m working on.)
No, I am not in a state of self-pity. I do wish that things would be different. But they are not. I don’t know why this is the hand I’ve been dealt, but it is. This is my life, and I’ll live it to the fullest. I am truly thankful for every day that I have. I am truly thankful that I am writing here today. I am thankful that you are taking the time to read my ramblings. I am thankful for you.
And I am thankful for pie. Even stupid pumpkin pie.